Always The Bridesmaid
by Liv Wilder
Summary: Set during 4x11: "Till Death Do Us Part" Jenny is in need of an extra bridesmaid. Three-shot.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I saw another photo that reminded me of Beckett, and words started to form. Set during 4x11: "Till Death Do Us Part"_

 _The photo in question is the cover art for this story. Three-shot._

* * *

 _Always The Bridesmaid_

"Six?" Jenny repeated, her doe eyes flaring cartoon-wide. " _Six times?_ " she said once more, whether in shock or disappointment or disbelief. It didn't get any better the more times she repeated the tally. It was a lot for anyone but seemed particularly excessive if you knew the no-nonsense homicide detective. The girly fuss, the giggling, the gowns and traditions seemed like something Kate Beckett would have nothing to do with, given any excuse.

"Yup. Still have a couple of dresses to prove it," Kate informed Jenny as she hugged her coffee to her chest.

She smiled when some related memory floated to the surface as she leaned back against the break room table beside her coworker's fiancé.

"Ugly?" Jenny asked, wrinkling her nose when Kate nodded in confirmation.

"Like you wouldn't believe." Beckett laughed. "Lemme see," she began, counting them off on her fingers. "First, there was the pea green prom dress. A color that looks good on _no one_ let me tell you. Even my mom had to be honest about that one. ' _Not your best look, Katie,'_ I remember her saying to me. Ugh, it was _ugly!_ After that came Amber and the bubblegum sheath, followed by a yellow puffball that—"

Jenny burst out laughing and clapped her hands over her mouth. "Yellow?" she squealed. "No way!"

"Honestly," Kate promised. "Cross my heart. Made a great Halloween costume, though."

Jenny's brow knit into an adorable frown. "What did you go as?"

"A cheese puff."

Jenny collapsed against Kate's side, gasping through peels of laughter. "Cheetos?"

Kate nodded, amused by Jenny's near paralytic state. "Yeah. Me and the other bridesmaid, Sam. Ran into the bride at the party, too. Let's just say she wasn't amused."

"Great revenge, though."

The two women gradually began to sober and settle down, their laughter turning to weary sighs and silly grins. Jenny looked timid when she began to speak again, nervously twisting her fingers in her lap. "So…that horror show aside, and assuming you're not mentally scarred, would this be a good time to ask if you'd agree to be my bridesmaid?" Jenny lisped her question like the adorable, innocent bride-to-be she was and then she held her breath.

On hearing this request, Kate's heart began to beat in double-time. She sat up straight on her stool and turned to place her empty cup on the table behind her just to buy herself a moment's grace. She was too surprised by the out-of-the-blue invitation to immediately respond. But Jenny filled the silence with excitable, rapid-fire chatter anyway, giving Kate a little time to process.

"Look, Kate, I _know_ it's short notice and it sounds _really_ bad that you weren't my first choice. But you would totally be helping me out. Ellen's my oldest friend and she's tall and gorgeous, just like you."

Kate frowned. "So…what's the problem? Did you guys fall out?"

"There was falling involved," Jenny admitted. When Kate gave her a quizzical look she went on to elaborate. "Ellen fell off her horse at a gymkhana last weekend. Broke her leg. Now I'm a maid of honor down and the pictures are gonna look weird without her. So, I'm begging you, Kate. _Please?_ " she asked, catching the detective further off guard by taking both of Kate's hands in her own. "Will you be my bridesmaid?"

"Wow!" was all Kate could think to say because this was not how she'd imagined Jenny and Kevin's wedding playing out for her. And she had imagined it plenty of times since the Ryans-to-be had set a date. She and Castle had been getting closer. Both the quality of their friendship and their flirting had jumped up a notch since they'd woken like sleeping lovers, cuffed to one another in that dingy basement. As a result, she had found herself imagining the wedding as a safe space and the perfect catalyst to explore what might come next for them, after the tiger so to speak.

Having an official role in the Ryan wedding had not been in Kate's plan at all.

Oblivious to the detective's inner monologue, Jenny carried on with the hard sell, words like triggers sending flashing images shooting through Kate's brain. They were disturbing scenarios for the things they brought to mind: bad memories and distant hopes alike.

"I promise, no ugly dresses this time," Jenny said as if reading her mind. "You can even choose your own. Kate, you have _amazing_ taste. And I know Kevin would be really grateful, too."

"Kevin would be really grateful for what… _exactly?_ " asked a deep, suggestive baritone.

The voice belonged to an amused-looking Richard Castle, who was lounging up against the doorjamb and had been there for goodness knows how long by the look of him. The weight he placed on the word 'exactly' and the tone he used, full of filthy insinuation that Kate was not prepared to take from him right now, got her back up. Not when she was still processing her own disappointment and feeling boxed into a corner by her love of and loyalty towards her friends.

"Were you _eavesdropping?_ " she demanded, managing to wriggle her fingers out of Jenny's grasp to turn her best menacing stare and all of her frustration upon her partner.

Castle held up his hands as if in surrender. He immediately began the process of backing away. "Wouldn't dream of it."

"You were. You were eavesdropping on our private conversation," Kate accused him.

She got down from the table to poke her partner in the center of his chest. The manly expanse of muscle and bone was unyielding beneath Kate's finger prod, and this fact set a shiver of unbidden want coursing through her body. A flashback to the basement unleashed a shock to her core: a visceral memory of Castle's body draped over her back, her ass buried in the warmth of his pelvis as they did battle with that stupid chest freezer together, both grunting and panting like the soundtrack to a low-budget porno.

Castle reared back theatrically when she poked him. "Ow! That hurt." He clutched the front of his shirt like the faker he was.

"Did not," Kate scoffed, eye-rolling like it was an Olympic sport and she had the gold medal in her sights.

"Did too," the writer argued back, childish both of them.

On the sidelines, Jenny laughed, diffusing the tension a little or at least distracting them from their petty back and forth.

"You guys are so cute," she grinned. "You fight more than Kevin and I. Must be love," she teased, turning to give Castle the biggest, most unsubtle wink ever in the history of unsubtle winking.

Kate spluttered indignantly, while Castle only looked at his shoes. They both knew it was love, in their own ways they knew, but to have it said so plainly, so overtly into the open air of the precinct by someone less invested – at least not in the betting sense – was shocking and confusing and made for an awkward couple of seconds before Castle coughed, straightened his jacket and turned to leave the break room.

He nodded his head at each woman in turn, charm personified, though he failed to meet Kate's eye. "I'll leave you ladies to it. Sorry for the interruption," he apologized as he bowed out.

"What was that about?" Jenny asked as she and Kate watched Castle retreat to the bullpen, his head hanging just a little, shoulders rounded into a slump. "Is he okay? Did you guys have a fight? Is it something I said?" The poor girl looked distraught.

Possibly all of the above, Kate thought, deciding to keep this truth to herself. If only Jenny knew the _relationship-interruptus_ her own fiancé had been party to over the years. Leave it to Ryan and Esposito and she and Castle would never get out of the starting blocks. Maybe Jenny was different.

"He's just…I don't know," Kate shrugged, staring at her hands. "Things are kind of…complicated between us. What with work and everything," she added for good measure as if this vague platitude made anything any clearer.

That their fates seemed roped together, that the universe was determined to launch them at one another in any and every way possible, including yoking them to one another with handcuffs. Well, she kept that to herself too. She watched Castle mope over by her desk, his heart heavy with something unknowable as he dumped his large body into his chair.

Kate finally turned away from this upsetting scene to offer Jenny a brave smile. Taking her hands, she nodded. "I would be _honored_ to be your bridesmaid. And I'm happy for you to choose the dress. I trust you."

Jenny hadn't missed the catalyst for Kate's magnanimous decision. Castle looked thoroughly dejected. But then weddings were supposed to be romantic affairs. Maybe this was exactly what her friends needed to finally push them over the line. She squealed and clapped her hands, jumping up and down on the spot with excitement. "You won't be sorry," she promised Kate, tugging her into a surprisingly fierce and grateful hug.

The relief in Jenny's eyes, the sheer happiness and sweet gratitude was enough to make Kate believe that she could make this work. For everyone's sake, she would make this work. But she flinched over Jenny's shoulder at the look of hurt she saw flash across Castle's face when he turned at the sound of Jenny's noisy celebration to find the two women hugging.

Another plan down the tubes, Castle thought, rising from his chair to leave. As he waited by the elevator, he began to wonder if it wasn't time to give up on his dream altogether.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thank you to the readers who took time to review chapter 1. I get a sense that Castle is slipping away already, which is natural now that the show has ended. So I appreciate even more those of you who would stick around to encourage those of us trying to keep the dream alive. Liv x_

* * *

 _Always The Bridesmaid_

Chapter 2

Just ten days later, Kate, Jenny, two adorable little flower girls and the bride's best friends, Tanya and Suzie, were gathered in the small preparation room: the sacristy of the church. The normally quiet space was filled from floor-to-ceiling with the chatter and laughter of excited women and girls. Even Kate Beckett, normally immune to such female frivolity, felt the tug of anticipation. There was an emotional weight, she had discovered, to being included in this special occasion. She could taste the infectious tang of excitement bubbling up all around her, excitement that made her feel proud to have been asked to be a part of Jenny and Kevin's wedding.

Once she had agreed to be on the team, preparations had moved along with considerable pace. There was a lot to accomplish in a short space of time, from clueing Kate in on the order and flow of the mass, to meeting the other girls, dress and shoe shopping with Jenny, and finally a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding that she had attended along with Javi and Kevin.

Being welcomed into Jenny's female circle of intimacy and friendship was uplifting in a way that Kate had never expected or appreciated as a younger woman, when she had taken on the role of bridesmaid to several of her own friends. Back then it had felt like a chore to be endured; the price of friendship. Now it felt like a gift, and watching Jenny and her friends and family interact made her think differently about a lot of things in her own life.

Work and the relationship she shared with her partner, if she dare call it that, had been getting better and better lately. She and Castle were more in sync than ever, and Kate felt as if she might be closing in on a lasting happiness of her own. Jenny and her friends had an openness and a goodness to them that stirred a longing for similar things within Kate's still-grieving heart. Their company was the perfect antidote to the darkness of her normal work life, and in the days running up to the wedding she had felt her spirits lifted whenever she spent time in their company.

That lightness stayed with her long after the women had parted company, and it left Kate with a desire that took her by surprise at first, because it was a desire to seek out her partner. She found herself wanting to spend time with him, to spread this newfound joy around, to show him she could be a happy, optimistic person too.

When she thought about it, she realized she shouldn't have been so surprised. Castle, himself, had found companionship, a clubhouse of sorts, and a couple of brothers when he joined the Twelfth. He wasn't naturally a guy's guy. But Ryan and Espo were his "bros" now, his posse, and Kate knew how much that bond meant to him. A pretty solitary, self-sufficient creature herself, she had few friends beyond Lanie and, when their diaries lined up, Madison. So to find herself immersed in the kind of fast friendships that grow up around weddings like weeds was kind of intoxicating, and she had only one person she wanted to share her happiness with.

But Castle had been rather scarce the last few days, feigning last minute jobs for Kevin and once, even offering to take his mother to the matinee performance of a new off-Broadway play she wanted to see. All most unlikely excuses.

Kate watched him closely whenever he was around, noting how quiet he seemed, how difficult to engage in banter, how closed-off his posture. When she tried to ask him about it, he blew her off with a tight smile and another half-truth about a headache or a late night spent writing or he simply shrugged and headed to the men's room or the break room to make more coffee.

She thought long and hard about it, and she could only tie his strange behavior back to one moment in time: Jenny's teasing remark in the break room about them being in love. Her continued silence on the subject obviously troubled Castle more than he had allowed himself to show, and Jenny's innocent comment had reopened that unhealed wound. The bride's observation was kindly, not maliciously, meant so there was no way hold it against her. If anyone was to blame for the stalemate between the partners it was Kate herself. Too comfortable with the status quo, where both were single and secretly, if not explicitly, committed to one another. She was too fearful of upsetting that cozy arrangement by having it out with him in order to move them on to the next stage of their life. Dr. Burke had explored the issue on numerous occasions, and even Kate was becoming embarrassed by her slow progress and lack of reasonable answers to her therapist's perfectly sensible questions. She came off sounding cowardly or even childish each time she professed to "still not being ready." What did "ready" look like anyway?

Was there a timetable for love, she had long wondered? Was there some cosmic sign she was waiting for: some light in the northern sky or a moment of revelation when all would suddenly become crystal clear and she'd get the green light from above and find herself tracking Castle down to say, "Okay, now's the time. I love you and you love me. Let's do this." Yeah, that was as ridiculous an idea as she thought, one that prickled her skin and made her cheeks burn red hot with shame.

But she still felt her stomach lurch, her face color and her heart rate kick up a notch every time she thought about such things, every time she asked herself why she was forcing this good man to wait and why she was dragging her heels. Was she doing it for him? Or was she doing it for herself? Would she ever be any better a person that she was now? People weren't generated by 3D printers, and they weren't deities or superheroes either. Each one of them had flaws, Castle included, and it was time Kate realized that and took action before it was too late.

And what happened to Castle while she took her time to decide? How valued, how loved, how wanted…or how overlooked did he feel? Like a side of beef put into a chest freezer to be enjoyed on some indeterminate day down the line. Did their love have an expiration date?

* * *

She pushed these thoughts to the back of her mind while she helped Jenny secure and adjust her veil and then re-tied the slippery satin ribbons on the ballet shoes of one fidgety little flower girl. A knock on the sacristy door had them all squealing and running to block the view of the bride lest their caller be the jumpy, anxious groom. But it was simply the priest popping his head around the door to give them notice that they were ten minutes away from being ready to start the service.

"Do you think Kevin's okay?" Jenny asked Kate. Her eyes were wide with unrepressed fear and she looked pale. For a moment Kate worried that she might begin to cry and ruin her make-up. Or worse still, that she might faint.

"I'm sure he's fine. Just as excited as you are," Kate assured the nervous bride. When Jenny's anxiety failed to abate, she offered, "Do you want me to go check on him?"

Jenny's fretful face finally broke into a smile and she clutched at Kate's hands in gratitude. "Would you?"

"Sure. Of course. I'll just pop my head out into the hallway and make sure that he's okay. Close the door behind me. We don't want those nosy boys seeing inside."

Kate lifted the hem of her gown. The fabric felt soft and luxurious as it ran through her fingers. Jenny had good taste. In the end, she and Kate had made the final selection of a dress together from the three that Jenny had previously shortlisted for her friend, Ellen. She'd been on something of a surprising high after trying her gown on for the final time and the urge to call her partner that had come over her had been shocking and strong. Since when did she want to call Castle to tell him about a dress? In the end, she had resisted. But it was telling that when something important or fun or noteworthy happened in her life, he was the one person she wanted to share it with, every single time.

Once out in the cool of the church's upper hallway, the worn flagstones dry and rough beneath her creamy satin heels, she paused to gather her own scattered thoughts. Rather than be concerned about Kevin, who she was certain was champing at the bit to marry Jenny, she was thinking about her own partner who she hadn't seen or spoken to in the last couple of days. Simply put: she missed him. His absence hurt, a lot, and that fact alone was instructive. She had prodded him in the chest and accused him of eavesdropping, literally pushing him away. What had started out as a knee-jerk reaction to her surprise at Jenny's bridesmaid question had turned into a slow motion disaster movie; an eighteen-wheeler skidding sideways across an oil-slicked highway taking out everything in sight. And then he was gone.

She'd had a plan. Well, more of a panicky desire to ask him to be her plus one. She'd been building up to it. Testing the waters with glances and smiles and more finger-brushing over coffee cups to check for certain, before she made a fool of herself, that he was still into her. And God, how pathetic that sounded right now. The man had thrown everything to the wind, his family included, the day he tried to save her from a sniper's bullet, the day he poured his love out as a last line of defense while her blood pumped relentlessly, staining the grass around them. What more proof did she need?

But she had balked every time she toed that line, every time she took a breath and prepared to ask him to come to the wedding with her. Until it was too late the day that Jenny intervened. And now she found herself terrified that he'd be bringing someone else because of her pathetic foot-dragging. Another opportunity missed, her sense that she was running out of time ticking loudly in her ear.

* * *

She slipped on a step and grabbed the wall to steady herself, cursing and then laughing nervously at her near miss. That's when she finally saw him, and she was in no way prepared. But by the look on his face, Castle wasn't either. There was a blur of movement around the corner and then she caught sight of him on the periphery of her vision, and when she looked up, he was staring at her with something close to wonderment. Her pulse rocketed.

" _Castle!" "Beckett?"_

They both laughed awkwardly at the instantaneous cries of each other's names. The surprise and then delight on Kate's face to see her partner was mirrored back at her immediately. Her ache for him grew. She wanted out of there immediately. She wanted a burger and fries at Remy's, she wanted him to make her coffee in a quiet corner in the break room, she wanted the darkness of a cinema in the middle of the afternoon, she wanted the park and their swings, she wanted to grab his hand and flee. Anything but where they were: trapped by polite convention with a few friends and a couple of hundred strangers for the next several hours.

Castle's gaze roved the length of Kate's tall frame and slowly made its way back up again. "You look… _amazing!_ " he said, giving Kate an appreciative, gentlemanly but, at the last gasp, a disappointingly sad once over.

It was so naked that there was no way Kate could fail to notice the look of longing Castle gave her gown and her hair before his sad eyes resettled on her face.

"Scrub up okay?" she asked shyly, holding her floor length skirt out to the side and shimmying back and forth to give him the full effect of the beautiful gown Jenny had so thoughtfully chosen for her. He nodded, too choked up to speak, it seemed. "You're not so bad yourself," Kate told him, trying to recover the moment, to turn it into something lighter given that she had an important job to do to help Jenny and Kevin's wedding go off smoothly, no matter what she herself desired.

"Really?" Castle seemed surprised by her compliment.

She nodded, her smile broadening as she did so. "Rick, you look… _handsome_. Ruggedly so," she teased for old times' sake. "You can stop fishing." She dug her nails into her hand. "Where's your date?"

She looked around for some glamorous woman lingering nearby. This was her way of tackling her biggest fear head-on, something Dr. Burke had been trying to coach in her – not to hide from her issues.

"I…" Castle shrugged, his brain still caught up in the glory of her kind words, and then he shook his head.

"You came alone?" The relief in her voice was so obvious that her cheeks flushed.

"Didn't have anyone I wanted to ask," he explained. But his voice was flat.

"Oh. Right." Instead of seeing this as a good sign – that she was otherwise engaged and so he'd prefer to go alone than be with anyone else – Kate's elation turned to dejection as she included herself in the list of people Castle had no interest in asking to be his date.

"What about you? Some buff guy from Vice or Gangs waiting for you in the church?"

Kate looked confused that he could appear so off-hand, so casual and unaffected at the possibility that she might have brought someone other than him to Kevin and Jenny's wedding. Her confusion morphed into hurt. "No." She shook her head and frowned. "Why would you…?"

"Hmm?" Castle's gaze was so penetrating that she felt as if he could see right inside her head.

She blushed but forced herself to speak. "Only, I thought—"

Her partner took a step closer and dropped his voice. He tipped his head to one side and his eyes appeared to caress her face. "What?" The intimacy of the moment was potent, dizzying.

"That…I thought that…" Kate stumbled over her thoughts and her words. She sighed deeply and her shoulders sagged under the weight of all the things she didn't have the courage or the time to say.

"I don't—" Castle shrugged, one-shouldered, looking for help from her to understand the mess they were in once more. "What did you think, Beckett?" he pushed, though he was gentle.

Kate reached out a hand and laid it on the sleeve of his tux. The fine black mohair felt warm and pleasingly soft beneath her fingertips. "I thought that we—" She frowned hard and tried to take a deep breath, but her lungs wouldn't expand. "That you and—"

Just at that moment, Kate heard voices at the top of the stairs, then the organ struck up with the opening notes of Mendelssohn's Wedding March and they froze.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. One more chapter to go._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: So great to hear from everybody who reviewed the last chapter or sent a PM to let me know that they're still out there reading Castle fan fiction. Your company and kindness is much appreciated. Writing can be a lonely hobby. But you guys make it feel like less of a solitary pursuit and more of a conversation. Thank you._

* * *

 _Always The Bridesmaid_

Chapter 3

They were separated for the rest of the wedding.

All the moments Kate had imagined might come to them on such a special, romantic occasion - and make this easier - were lost to politeness, to social convention and the continuous intercession of other people. The entire event played out like one big fat Ryan and Espo interruption plot… _on steroids!_

There was the usher who accompanied Kate down the aisle: an exceedingly tall and handsome cousin of Kevin's. Castle's face turned to stone and his fingers curled into a tight clench, crushing the wedding program in his hands as he watched the man escort Kate towards the altar in procession with the other bridesmaids. She was the most beautiful creature in that church by far, so tall and regal, and somehow that just made it harder to watch her play her role for the day without him by her side. They were partners, after all, he told himself. A package deal. Beckett without Castle was like pancakes without maple syrup or Batman without Robin. He didn't look too closely at who played Batman in that scenario, he just tried to keep his gaze trained on his knees for as long as it took for them to pass his spot in the church. Until Lanie jabbed him in the ribs, that was, and hissed, "Isn't she beautiful?" so that he was forced to look up, and there she was. His throat constricted and his eyes stung, he cleared his windpipe with a muffled cough and felt his hands bead with sweat. Ink smeared on the crumpled order of service beneath his meaty thumbs.

But once he saw her, he couldn't tear is eyes away. Her gown was dramatically low cut at the back and he ached to stroke her honeyed skin with the tips of his fingers and the tender-sweet brush of his lips. Her hair, styled up in a chignon and adorned with a jeweled barrette, exposed the nape of her elegant neck, that dark, secret hollow where he longed to press his mouth, his nose and feather his tongue just to taste her, to feel her shiver and hear her moan.

He lost just a little more faith when they turned at the end of the mass to reverse their walk down the aisle behind the joyful bride and groom. As Kate tucked her fingers into the crook of the usher's arm, Castle felt his stomach turn. No matter their closeness on recent cases, her open smile, light touches and their easy, flirtatious banter, he was on a downward spiral that no evidence his lovesick brain could provide would halt. He felt as far from a relationship with her as ever. His misery was so complete that he couldn't even look in Kate's direction as they sailed passed his pew, and so he missed the strained yet hopeful smile she tried to send in his direction. A smile that slipped to crestfallen when he failed to meet her gaze.

* * *

Once the service was over, Kate remained trapped. There were group photos and then endless cell phone selfies with the bridal party. At the reception, some busty blond switched place cards so that Castle was seated further away from the top table than planned, his moderate celebrity status targeted by this gold-digging bore until his gentle put-offs turned firm and cold and the woman eventually gave up and drifted away.

They could barely see one another across the packed function room, reduced to dodging heads and ornate hats for the briefest glimpse. Men danced with her, women constantly claimed her attention to compliment her dress or her hair or her height or to ask her how she was related to Jenny.

The brief looks they shared got increasingly frustrated, tinged with longing and then disappointment as afternoon relentlessly turned into evening and still they remained apart.

Eventually, Castle found that he simply had to turn away. He could no longer stand to watch Kate being monopolized by other people. The men in particular stung; their hands on her waist or hips or back while dancing, claiming or seeming to from a distance. A background hum of jealousy and anger simmered, making his whole being - body and soul – feel as itchy and uncomfortable as an ill-fitting suit. Once the meal was demolished and the cake cut, he began to watch the clock, to plan his escape. Even alcohol held no lure for him, the free bar nothing more than a vague distraction, until liquor had no effect at all and he suffered, stone cold sober.

At one point, Kate caught his eye and she saw something flicker across his face, some doubt or insecurity. In that moment, she realized that everything she hoped for them and everything she felt for him was still trapped inside her head and her heart, screened off behind a heavy veil she had failed over and over to drop. Aside from an opaque conversation after his book signing months ago now, he had no idea of the goal she'd been working towards. How long could a person, even someone as stalwart and loyal as Richard Castle, remain hopeful and strong in the face of no forward momentum and little encouragement to hang in there? She'd scattered crumbs before a man with a large appetite for life, and in doing so she had starved him of affection, of validation, of love.

* * *

After the happy couple's first dance, and out of sheer desperation, Kate resorted to texting Castle _._ Nothing between them today had been planned or promised, but it hung there nonetheless; an unbidden expectation that they were jointly failing to fulfill.

' _Meet me out in the hallway. Five mins,'_ she wrote.

He waited for ten and found himself having to make excuses as to why he was loitering outside the main reception hall every time another of Ryan's endless stream of relatives passed by. Kate didn't show, and so he decided to cut his losses and leave. He headed towards the row of taxis idling out by the curb, their conga line constantly on the move, inching forward like some giant yellow centipede. He raised his arm just as she came running out through the front doors. Too late, she witnessed him slipping into the back of a cab, his dark tuxedoed form like a shadow as the door slammed definitively behind him. She cursed and slapped her hand against the wall. She had lost her chance. Again.

After hanging around the periphery of the reception for as long as was polite and as short a time as she could reasonably get away with, Jenny appeared by her side. The bride dragged her off to a quiet corner away from the partying and the noise.

"Where is he?"

Kate feigned innocence. "Who? Kevin?"

Jenny gave her her most serious look, which in truth was not all that serious or scary. "Kate, you know who."

She sighed in resignation and hung her head. "Gone. Home, I think." She tried to mask her disappointment with a brave smile for the bride on her big day, but Jenny was no fool.

She took hold of Kate's hands and squeezed her fingers. "Go after him."

"But you need—"

"No, I _need_ to take my new husband to bed and _you_ …you need to go tell that partner of yours how you feel about him. Before either of you gets a day older. I mean it, Kate. Life is short."

Kate felt a wash of gratitude lower her shoulders from around her ears. "Thanks, Jenny. And congratulations again. You and Kevin are perfect together." She leaned down to hug the pretty blond.

"Go. Be happy. It's almost witching hour. I hear that beautiful dress turns into a pair of mom jeans, a fanny pack and an outsize sweatshirt at midnight." Kate laughed, despite her misery. "And those satin pumps…you don't want to be wearing Crocs when you finally talk to Rick, now do you?" Jenny teased, giving Kate a big hug in return. "You guys could be perfect too. Just don't take no for an answer!" Jenny counselled, right before Kate kissed her cheek and took off running.

* * *

By the time she knocked on his door, it was after eleven, really too late for a social call, but this felt important. She couldn't let today get away from them any more than it already had. The disappointment and confusion was just too much. When she heard the sound of footsteps moving towards her, she took a deep breath in preparation and shook out the lingering tension in her arms. The second Castle opened the front door she started talking without even waiting for a hello.

"You left without me."

Castle's eyes widened upon finding her standing in his hallway, still in her beautiful gown; the very last person he had expected to see tonight. But he really did a double take at the note of accusation bleeding into her voice. "Hey, I _waited._ You never showed," he told her.

"I had… _duties._ I got held up. I'm sorry." She sounded really frustrated and that should have helped. It veered towards honest at least.

But Castle was too mired in the depths of his own funk. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and sighed, "Look, Beckett, I don't—"

"I had duties, Castle," she repeated. "As a bridesmaid. I had girly stuff I had to do for Jenny. _All day._ Do you have any idea— No, of course you don't… _"_ she sighed and shook her head.

She saw him look at her more closely. 'Girly' was not her natural habitat, and she knew that he understood that well enough. But he clearly had no idea where she was going with any of this, Kate could tell from his puzzled expression, only that he was amused or intrigued or whatever this look on his face meant so close to midnight.

"Okay. Duties. Sure. I understand." He frowned. "I think?"

Gone was the tailored Armani tux, she was sad to see. He was wearing sweatpants and a baggy grey t-shirt with a hole near the neck. Dressed down though he was this look seemed, impossibly, better, and Kate wanted to touch him. She wanted to touch him so badly. But she restrained her urge in order to take just a little more time to figure out how to salvage this mess between them. Once and for all.

She started out slowly, to try and make him understand and in an attempt to help herself at this point, too. "I wanted us to spend time…together. Today," she explained cautiously, adding and adding when his face remained expressionless. "But every time I tried to get away, there was a flower girl who needed to go potty, or yet another toast, or some _stupid_ dance. Then the cake cutting, the speeches…and Jenny needed me to help with her dress. In the _ladies' room_." Her eyebrows shot up to illustrate that point.

"Oh. Right." Castle winced.

"Yeah." Kate chewed her lip and glanced at the floor.

They stood there looking at one another until Kate grew tired of waiting, which was kind of rich when she thought about it later.

"So can you forgive me?" she asked, being as direct as she knew how.

Castle shook his head, bewildered by her earnest speech. "Forgive you for what?"

"Castle, I wanted us to go to Ryan and Jenny's wedding together. That was my plan. I was going to ask you to be my plus one. Who doesn't like a wedding, right? They're _romantic_ and full of new possibility. What better way to—"

"Romantic?" he cut in, his tone pancake flat, as if he has no idea what the word even meant anymore.

" _Yes,_ " Kate sighed in exasperation, at him or in general after the ruined day they'd had. "Please stop repeating everything I say and just listen."

He held up his hands. "Fine. I'm listening."

When he crossed his arms over his chest, the gesture so defensive, she pressed a hand to her sternum as she drew a deep breath, trying hard to settle herself. "So I was going to talk to you last week and then Jenny showed up. You remember? At the precinct? She totally blinded-sided me when she…well, she _begged_ me to be her stand-in bridesmaid and I…I felt bad about saying no."

She took another brief breath, and before Castle could jump in she was off again.

"Before I could even talk to you about it, you got all weird on me."

Castle froze. "Weird?" He stabbed his chest. " _I_ was weird?"

" _Yes,_ " she hiss-whined, poking him in the shoulder so that he took a step back. "Castle, you went into a mood and you never came out of it. Or you just flat out disappeared. A _matinee_? With your _mother?_ _Really?_ "

He attempted to bluff his way through her calling him on his B.S., which again was rich coming from her. "We didn't have a case." Then he slammed to a halt. "Wait. You _noticed_ I was gone?"

"Will you please stop questioning everything I say? Of course I notice when you're not there. You're my partner for one thing. And your chair was empty." She seemed bashful once she admitted to this. She also sounded childish and a little idiotic. It was a delicious form of role-reversal.

Castle finally began to relax, to look amused and then to fish. "My chair was empty? I see." He smirked and Kate tried not to fume or blush. "Anything else you miss when I'm not there?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

She shifted her feet. "Yeah, you bring me coffee," she grinned sideways at him, slyly, hoping to get a laugh out of him or at least a smile. "Castle, there was _no coffee_ , _"_ she whined, laying it on extra thick. Even Martha would have been proud of her performance.

By this point she was already in his living room, though neither of them could remember her entering, moving past him, or the front door closing behind her.

She scuffed the floor with her satin pump. "You didn't answer any of my text messages either."

Castle looked squirrely. "I think my phone might be playing—"

"The only thing playing up around here is you!"

"Wait, can we rewind a little?"

"Is that some delaying tactic? So you can think of a better line?"

"No." But then Castle paused and narrowed his eyes at her. "And what if it is? What are you in such a hurry to—"

"Because Jenny was right," she confessed, as panicked as a caged bird.

Castle stared at her: Kate Beckett, _the_ most private person he had ever met. "Jenny was right about what?"

"We need to talk about this."

He had the good grace not to force her to spell it out: what _'this'_ meant. If Kate and Jenny had been talking, it had to be about affairs of the heart, or that's what he'd assume for now in the interest of flow. "Okay. Right now?"

Kate looked jumpy. "You have something better to do?"

She looked around, suddenly realizing that that could in fact be the case given the late hour – his daughter, his mother, God forbid another woman, writing, sleeping or… _other_ more private things. She blushed and touched a hand to her dress, self-conscious all of a sudden. "I…I'm sorry. This is a bad time. My God, I'm such an idiot. It's so late and—"

Castle took a step towards her and reached out to touch her arm. "Kate, will you just…" He took a shallow breath, tried to control his own frustration at this state of utter confusion they were in once again. "Just hold on for a second?"

"Sure. Yeah. Sure." She seemed chastened and also a little lost, like a balloon that had begun to deflate now that her travelling momentum had slowed.

"I'm not clear about why you're here. And I think it's time I was. Clear that is. With you." He scrubbed the back of his neck, deeply uncomfortable. "I've been feeling like lately…"

"What? Just…say it." She studied him, her own anxiety growing because this did not sound good.

"I'd started to feel like maybe I got the wrong end of the stick. A while back. That maybe I've been counting on something that isn't…wasn't real." His eyes flickered up, caught her face for a second or two and then sloped away again. "And today was...and then you show up tonight and I don't know what to—"

"Not real?" She uttered the words in disbelief because this was the one outcome she had not anticipated. That he might be losing faith in her or tire of waiting, sure. But that he might think there was nothing to wait around for in the first place…

Just how ambiguous had she been?

"Look, I'm a writer," he shrugged. "Runaway imagination is kind of my superpower. So…" He flashed a twisted grin, so obviously trying to be brave about giving her a way out. "I think maybe I read something into a conversation we had a while back that wasn't really there. And that's on me," he hastened to add, "for not getting clarity."

It was horrible – this urge they both had to keep stirring the depths with that sharp, pointy stick, muddying the waters even further, never seeming to stay on the same side of the river for very long.

What popped out next was honest but not a challenge Kate had ever planned to make. "The way you've been looking at me all day? Not real? Not _clear?_ "

The writer's mouth fell open. "I'm… _excuse_ me?"

Kate seized her chance and grew bolder. "Castle, you were watching me. I saw you."

Thrown by her newfound openness, he got defensive and equally frank in return, since it seemed like it was open season tonight. " _So?_ I saw you watching me too."

Kate faced up to him, her chin tilted defiantly. "Yes. I was. And why do you think that is?"

Castle shrugged, too unsure of himself to put the last of his hope into words.

Kate growled in frustration, with herself and with her partner. "You weren't wrong, Castle. Not about that conversation on the swings, not about anything." She risked a brush of his wrist and a squeeze of his hand. "Rick, I came by tonight because I wanted to apologize. _I'm_ the one who needed to be clearer. I'm sorry I made you question yourself. And…and I wanted to ask you out."

An unsettling silence descended on the loft following this flood of contrition. Nothing moved.

When he failed to react or to say anything back, she blurted, "On a date."

Castle blinked hard and then narrowed his eyes. "A _date?_ You're...you're asking me out on a date?"

Kate nodded, fighting her own embarrassment at how lame she suddenly thought that sounded when she heard the words out loud. "Yes. A date. Just us. No other humans of any kind. No interruptions. Because this thing and our timing…it's…it's getting ridiculous."

She turned away for a second, sucking in air, trying to persuade the teenage flush of color from her cheeks. "Oh, and no pets either," she threw in as an afterthought, because God could they use a laugh right now and if Castle could make her laugh in the worst of situations then she could damn well return the favor.

Castle twitched one eyebrow and fought a smirk, which was good enough for now. "You have a pet I don't know about?"

Kate smiled, almost laughing when she shook her head.

"Good. Because I thought _I_ was your only pet," he chipped back, eyes crinkling with fondness and mirth.

"No, you're the _strangest_ pet I ever had. There's a difference."

This light-hearted moment passed all too quickly, and Castle blew out a breath and straightened up. "Can you tell me exactly what we're doing here?"

"I'd have thought that was obvious."

He dropped his head. "So…pretend it's not."

Kate swallowed thickly. Her heart was in her mouth again. "I…I think we want the same thing. Only I've been holding back and it's not working anymore. And it's not fair. On either of us."

Castle scrubbed a hand over his jaw, rasping his stubble and inadvertently sending a shot of electricity up Kate's spine. " _Okay._ Can…can you tell me why?" He looked cautiously optimistic, but still guarded. "The holding back?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "So many reasons."

"Do you have doubts?"

She nodded slowly.

"About me?"

Her brow flashed into a frown. "God, no."

"Then these doubts...?"

"Castle, I don't doubt how I feel. That is I know how I feel about you. If I have doubts, it's in my own ability to…to do what it is that people do to make a situation like this work." Eloquent, Kate, she inwardly chastised herself. Really eloquent.

Castle was seized by a shot of irritation. "What _people?_ Who are these perfect people, Kate? Because everyone you and I know…apart from maybe Kevin and Jenny…they all screw up. My mother? Lanie, Javi…even Perlmutter's on his second marriage. Did you know that?"

"Not comforting."

"It's not meant to be comforting. It's just reality. It's real life and if you think that holding back or working harder at whatever you think your flaws are is going to change that, it won't."

"Also not comforting."

Castle sighed. "Kate, as perfect as you might make yourself, you will never be alone in any relationship. There will always be another flawed human being right there with you to make mess and annoy the hell out of you and crash your space and overstep…but that's real life."

"I hate failure," she confessed, looking to him now to fix this, since she'd already been as brave as she could be for one night. And that was the heart of the matter. Control freak, Type A 101.

Castle's voice softened at the anxiety he saw etched on her face and he reached out to graze her shoulder. "Hey. Who doesn't? But I also know you like a challenge."

She raised her eyes to him, her soul on display. "I'm still a mess. Inside, I'm a mess."

"And you're looking to me to be the sorted one? That's ridiculous, Kate."

"My PTSD…"

"Seems under control. But why would you want to hide that from me anyway? I've been with you for all of it. Aside from your mother's murder, obviously. And I would love to help you. Please let me help you, Kate? You're not the only one who has nightmares, you know."

"You too?" she asked, her voice as small as her eyes grew large, and Castle nodded to confirm his own nocturnal horror show.

"I'm difficult," she confessed as an afterthought, throwing it all out there at once, her big pile of mental junk.

Castle laughed. "You think I don't know that by now? But you think I'm a walk in the park? You of all people know that I'm not. But…I seem to have fallen in love with you somewhere along the line and…no flaw or irritation got in the way of that. I fell in love with a woman who didn't even like me. How's that for crazy?"

"Castle, I like you. I do. I _more_ than like you," she protested, hating that she couldn't push herself over the line to give him everything that he had already given her.

But, impossibly, Castle seemed satisfied with that answer. She had done well. She needed to stop doubting herself and be more like her partner: open, loving, accepting and optimistic.

"Well, good," he said, his smile full of warmth and understanding. "So how about you stop talking yourself out of this date you already asked me on, by the way? There are no take backs," he told her as he reached out to caress her cheek with his thumb and a gentle brush of his knuckles. Kate leaned into his touch and her eyes slipped closed. She breathed peacefully.

"You didn't bring cake by any chance?" he asked, breaking the spell. "I left before there was cake."

Kate's face broke into a helpless grin and she caught his fingers and tugged them to her as she shook her head before letting him go. "Sorry, no cake. But I did ask you on a date, didn't I? Is dating stupid…for us? I mean, at this point. Is it…are we passed that point?"

His voice was soothing, deeply reassuring when he promised, "Dates are never a bad idea. We know a lot about each other. But a date…" he smiled, letting her see what this meant to him, "…a date would let us start off slow. You could hold my hand if you like," he suggested, offering his hand to her now.

"Or you could hold mine?" she said, joining her hand with his.

He drew her closer. "Of course, I'll let you drive on this date."

"Or you could drive."

"Oh, you're letting me drive already. Things are looking up."

Kate laughed at the silly expression of joy on her partner's face.

"You fell in love with me?" she asked, growing serious once more, wanting the story from the lips of the storyteller.

"Over and over again," he told her, moving so close that they were toe-to-toe, eyes locked.

"I don't deserve you. But what would I do without you?"

He reached up to stroke her hair. "That's where you're wrong. Don't we both deserve to be happy? I think I can make you happy, Kate. If you'll give me a chance."

Out of nowhere, she surprised him again. "Would you like to dance? We didn't get a chance to dance at the wedding."

Castle nodded. "I would love to dance with you."

Gently, he took her in his arms and they began to sway, turning lazy, random circles around the silent living room, him in bare feet and sweatpants, Kate in heels and her beautiful gown. But somehow it was perfect.

"I hate it when we fight," Castle amazed her by admitting in the quiet, privacy of his home.

"Me too," Kate agreed, knotting her fingers in the back of his t-shirt, a fierce love for him blooming in her chest, easing her anxiety.

"This really is a breathtaking dress," Castle whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as he ran his fingers up and down the bare skin of her back, tracing the length of her spine. "You were the most beautiful woman at the wedding," he confessed into her ear, and she shivered as he had dreamed that she would.

"The bride might be disappointed to hear you say that," Kate murmured back, while feeling a rush of quiet pride at his compliment.

"No, I think the bride might agree with me. And you know...you won't always be the bridesmaid," he said, cryptic and not. "Your day will come. Maybe sooner than you think," she thought she heard him whisper. He cleared his throat when he felt her tense up a little in his arms. "You turn heads, Kate Beckett."

"So do you." She nuzzled her cheek into the warmth of his neck, relaxing for the first time in over a week, and she felt him relax along with her.

He held her tighter; their bodies flush against one another as they moved with a gentle sway. The room felt airless and hot all of a sudden, the atmosphere potent, sexually charged. "So…then maybe we can turn a few heads together. How about that? When we go on this date."

He led her once more around their imaginary dance floor and Kate clung to him, her head dizzy with his scent and the erotic sensation of his body moving against hers for the first time. Her skin tingled all over and his fingers on her bare back told her that their date plan would have to wait. They would be unconventional to the last. Everything in their story a little topsy-turvy. But that was more than okay.

"Sounds like fun," she agreed, distractedly, her body thrumming with need, a pulsing ache tugging at her attention like a string. "But first I think I really need to do this. Can't wait any longer..." she murmured, before she stretched up on tiptoe, cupped his face in her hands and kissed him.

 _The End._

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. I wasn't sure whether to continue this or not. It can get a bit too predictable from here on in. But we'll see. Maybe an idea will come. Never say never. xxx_


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